coryza

i just need to say this

2009-06-12T10:51:05Z

i want you assholes to know.
there are a LOT of men in this world that will :
forgive me for my stupid things
not encourage my alcoholism for their personal gain, whether its financial (hey my girl will get the thirty pack!) or just trying to get me into bed.
there are men in this world who do not treat me like shit or meat or meat they ate and shit out, and they dont annoy the fuck out of me.
there are men who when i get home from work if they have been sitting on their ass all day will not be passed out on my sofa.
who will tell me im beautiful other times than when i ask/they want to get some. and it will be more than once a year. and they will not be lying.
they will not forget, every single thing. and they will not brag to their friends that "omg all my exs bitch that im forgettful" you took my money because youre an asshole, ,you forgot because youre stupid.
they won't belittle me every time they get mad
they wont throw hissy fits, they will not treat their siblings like objects, just like they treat their women, wow!
they will not be null/void to the world, they will actually be living besides talking about the time when they were alive and about the parties they went to.
they wont tell me to forget their number and then obsessively text or call me.
they wont talk about all the girls they've been with but bitch me out the second i mention a guy who even looked at me.
they wont treat me like garbage and then be upset that im sad and use it as another excuse to yell at me.
if i say i love them they will know i mean it and not CRY and act like a FUCKING BABY and say "oh you never loved me boo hoo let me cry in my beer"
they wont try to embarrass me in front of absolutely everyone.
they will let me have my space when i want it, whether its because im pissed or not.
they'll awknowledge im on my period and stay out of my way not bitch that "all women use that as an excuse" well guess what you are a dick all the time and use that as an excuse.
they wont feel the need to cheat and if they want to they'll have to courage to tell me about it rather than go "haha youre fat im with this girl now ---> look she's hotter than you" and then after she gets sick of your bullshit tell me im the only one you want. i totally believe that. im that dumb, remember you told me i was.
theyre going to have their own vehicle and not talk shit on mine when all they want to do is drive it and act like they own it.
they'll pay for gas if they have to use my vehicle.
theyre not going to numb me w/ drugs so ill stop arguing about something thats bothering me, fuck their probably wont even be anything bothering me after that.
they wont accuse me of fucking their friends so often that i cant remember which ones i slept w/ and didnt.
they wont talk about me being a doormat and then get pissed when i dont let them walk all over me.
they wont convince me im more screwed up than i am.
they wont get strung out on drugs and think its a good excuse.
and they'll never make me lie. because if they treat me how i need ill have no reason to lie.

im not perfect, im not gorgeous and i dont think i deserve a perfect guy, but i deserve someone who doesnt treat me like SHIT and even i recognize that, im not going to be "drug" down w/ you either, im not going to feel like a horrible piece of shit because even though how much you try to convince yourself you love your life so much i know you don't. i love myself fully totally now, i know i do really stupid things but i can forgive myself and i know im so much better than what you tell me i am, i know i deserve so much better than how you've ever treated me. i guess i felt i owed you and that debt is repaid as far as im concerned, im a real person, with a real life and the shit i have screwed up for these stupid ass people is pathetic on my part, and for that im still trying to forgive myself. and i will because i know im so much better than you.
and if i have to wait for someone to not treat me like shit i will. i have nothing but time and im not going to waste it.

and with that, im going to try to stop drinking, totally not do drugs anymore also.
the only reason i still was thinking i needed him or this or a relationship is because i hadn't taken that last step cause it hurt and it sucked to let go so i just numbed it w/ drugs and alcohol and now i know i dont need that either.
im so much bigger than this so this was such a mistake on my part, but i will forgive.

you are all my doves!

2009-04-28T16:00:50Z

everyones taking off and leaving me, its very suck. but im going to be waiting for you all to come back.

unless i out move you and go to fucking africa, bitches!

wow possibly best day ever.

2009-04-23T20:33:13Z

I might have a job, my apartment is actually clean, my fridge is full of good food. my cats arnt being total assholes.
possibly super amazing awesome day.

hey lol!

2009-04-16T08:29:18Z

I'm sorry that you suck & my caring makes you uncomfortable.
I'm sorry youre emotionally damaged to the point that you can't be a real person.

but I'm mostly sorry because I don't give a shit, at all.

and I'm not even sorry about it!
I'm happy and you're a tool.

and not worth writing anymore about!
last night I went to the bf's and had an awesome amazing wonderful time, feels like a huge weight has been lifted since we actually talked about stuff. he is way too perfect and actually really smart too, go me for batting way out of my league.
I went to megans today & she made lettuce cups which are stir fry tacos.. in lettuce. and are awesome and were good.
then we watched toy story. in between a bunch of really retarded things, like me crying laughing so hard over us basically just asking if we had twitter. im a twitter addict now.

and my head freaking hurts so I'm going to go read some michael moore and pass the fuck out.

exhausted with this.

2009-04-06T00:43:22Z

detoxing after too much partying, im so fucking sick of feeling this way, since i had to go through that old shit all i do is think about how i could've never changed you, too wild. i really didnt want to just the screaming, taking off, spending money wrecklessly i didnt want to be part of. hanging out, talking, sitting and staring at eachother like morons, i dont even know how we ended up being those people. i dont understand how we ended up the crappy fighting married couple. it was fun before. i know you are going through a crap time and i feel like shit that i cant be there.

i drank wheatgrass today, it was gross, i went for a walk in the park, its so pretty outside today.

my head just gets stuck thinking about this and i get so exhausted and mad, im just mad all the time now it feels like though im not really showing it, i just hate that the person i wanted is pretty much dead to me now its so stupid becuase its not and i dont even know how to explain it, im just totally at loss.

im so sick of this stupid drama, its not even worth it, they never call its just boring im bored with it, i want to feel in love and i dont love him so im just totally sick done with it, i keep saying that because he comes back and acts nice and i just really know he is just using me and its tiring, its nice to pretend but absolutely not worth it.
he pulled me in i was disgusted with myself.

off to drink a ton of green tea.

i like songs that mention my favorite drinks.

2009-01-15T23:28:46Z

Well hello Jim Beam
Oh the places you've seen
If only you could talk
You'd tell me why he walked out on me and you
Oh the things lovers do when it's over
Oh the things lovers do when it's done
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder

this isn't really the case since i finally walked out. and im sure he has his bottle for comfort.

amazing amazing

2009-01-05T01:26:21Z

new years are great.

that last entry was called

2008-12-05T19:47:11Z

"a very drunk gina marie is pissed that her ex boyfriend ran off with all her money & left her to rot'

happy halloween!!1

2008-10-30T18:24:30Z

my brother is a stupid tweaker piece of shit and i hate him.
lets steal forty dollars because i need it for my life!
as long as you admit it everyone fucking tip-toes because he is crazy !!11

but no they can basically totally ruin my life and all i want is an apology.
thats it.
nope not for me because i'm not THAT crazy, or on drugs, so i have to be intelligent enough to understand WANTING something and never getting it.

coryza @ 2008-10-18T23:30:00

2008-10-19T05:32:10Z

And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I found out I can't make it go away, just make it stop
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"

i'm sick of druggies.

2008-10-14T14:33:29Z

I want the right words

I want to know what it seems like to be true & I want the nights to always stay dark.
I’m tired of all this.

i want to be taylor swift :(

2008-10-07T06:04:36Z

she is so pretty & happy 24/7, if one of those things comes out and says she has an eating disorder or something i'll be crushed.

Oh oh
Cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter
And my daddy said, "stay away from Juliet"
But you were my everything to me
I was begging you, please don't go
And I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

Romeo, save me
They try to tell me how I feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

her lyrics are all so cute.
my hand smells really freaking weird. its grossing me out

does anybody realize

2008-10-04T20:36:47Z

I'm going to be a real, full blown adult in like four months?
I want to get credit cards.

and thats all i can say about that.

coryza @ 2008-10-03T00:39:00

2008-10-03T06:45:55Z

So why do you leave these stories unfinished,
my Cheshire cat doorstop with tears in her eyes?
Why do you look when you've already found it?
What did you find that could leave you walking by?

you found nothing.
you're a lonely and empty soul and nobody will love you because you are heartless.
this is public not private so you can read it and copy it to one of your note documents & save it forever so you have embers to burn your hatred on.

I was young, you were younger. you deserve to be alone.
I know better than what you think of me and I don't care, do you wonder what I think of you? because I never give you a second thought.

I wish I could erase myself completely from your memory and you'd be clueless to why you are always so angry, with nothing to point it towards.
you see people as mirrors and pick at their faults that are your own.
i'm done loving you, you're ridiculous and your ridicule is flattering.
grow a pair & a brain. or keep fucking nasty disgusting coke whores & midgets because you think someone might ACTUALLY love you, because what you think is love usually isn't and what is love you ignore because its easier than actually feeling something.
enjoy the darkness in your life, you're a pitiful person. i hate myself for falling in love with you and over and over again falling into the trap of thinking we were meant to be together, true love is a rogue to become old and unhappy and find someone else to yell at.

you would know all about that.
why did i even like you back then, you were weird and creepy and snapped out at me for no reason where you wouldn't talk to me for days or weeks, you were like a girl constantly on pms.

maybe i learned it from you!!
we are even, start deleting your files.
i will keep all of these, you know just because you are so scared of losing them to remind myself that you dont give a flying fuck and are just observing in this world and not a counterpart and will never step out of the glass enclosure where you think you won't get hurt.
all you are doing is hurting yourself and everyone around you.

the score

2008-09-29T08:05:54Z

old hobo who sits around bk with his ass hanging out:
one whopper that fell completely on the floor and was really nasty

stray cat:
tendergrill
chicken fries
chicken tenders
spicy
cheesy tots
french fries
ham

I'm not good with people, I realized the other day I'm kind of antisocial and awkward in most situations, guys hitting on me leads to confusion, I can't stand up for myself, I make horrible first impressions and sometimes am a bitch completely without meaning to and I don't have enough guts to apologize or remedy the situation, and sometimes I get stuck in conversations where all I do is talk about my cat and seem like a total weirdo.

I'm not weird, you just dont like me or care to get to know me and are a stupid person, I didn't want to be your friend anyway, just nobody I actually care about was texting me at that moment no matter how many times I text them about dildos and elephants and quitting my job to be a street walker.
I USED you! so don't give me looks like I'm a crazy lady.

I couldn't be a street walker, I am too self concious and would probably drop the money and bite someones dick off on accident because I get scared being anywhere outdoors doing something sexual.
nobody wants weasels eating their cooch.

all day all day

2008-09-06T10:46:09Z

i did nothing at work but complain about how tired i am and omg im so tired and going to fall immediately asleep when i get home.
i came home & walked four miles with jeffrey while we had a heated discussion on our past lives.
im seriously sleep deprived i think.

i feel like screaming!!

2008-09-05T07:54:01Z

i am home alone so im incredibly lonely, this never happens.
i should've stayed at work while the kid that works there younger than me asked me lots of personal questions while i drank gin.
i miss my old friends and friends and i shouldn't say hanging out with them since its something i never do, with anyone.
you will see me if you live with me, otherwise its incredibly hard to get me to go anywhere.
i feel like i need a good cry, like everything is bottled up with how much i have to drink & how many hours i have to work and how much homework I have to do, an easy excuse to avoid what is crying.
i either cry around someone an obnoxious amount or they think im void of any emotion at all besides screaming.
i have been exercising and eating good and drinking less, i worry ill develop an eating disorder because i spend a lot of time now paying too much attention to calories & staring at old pictures being pissed about ex boyfriends who called me fat or fat boyfriends who called me perfect.

oh men oh boyfriends oh my.
how you've changed my life?

i wish i had stayed home with my nose in a book & my feet tapping on the floor.
i feel like so many people have seen me disgustingly naked at the weight i am now that i should just join a nudist convent, and be the running, nude woman, and become skinny and lose my insecurities and come back into the world and tell everyone to fuck themselves.
but that would hurt my massive, heavy boobs too much. they actually have real weight to them which i find disturbing, at night when i take a bath with a book i dont really want to read ill pick them up and drop them until it hurts, not my boob but the ribs under it because they are like stones and it hurts.

i am in no way original, this is my insane post next to my partially sane scared one.

cars

2008-09-05T07:05:11Z

in 2010 chevy is coming out with a water powered car. being the half ass enviornmentalist i am i told my mom i wanted one.

two days ago my battery went dead on my truck and i flipped out, had no clue wtf it was and was just totally a mess over it.
you buy a new battery and thats how its fixed.
i did not know this.
i know nothing about cars.

so why would i invest in a car that would most likely break down, a lot?
i have no clue.
im moving somewhere with public transportation.

counting crows

2008-08-18T06:49:18Z

wrecking barbie, wrecking my life.

the savior the man in black
the friend the lover the faith.
give up and start again.
i dont care if you dont care,
maybe it can be love?
questions we ask ourselves once a month
once a year
once a day
desperate cases
losing hope
giving up and seeing more light than all the dark we thought
crying, spinning lights, the doorway is closed.
pulled out by someone who never really cared.
others are miles, states away.
laugh off bruises, cuts scrapes, stupid remarks & broken bones.

start a new town
a new faith
new saviors are never the same
always playing wolves in sheeps clothing
always going back to you
mind never changes, just pretends and cloaks
losing all of that, every time. every way.
same connection year after year.
playing games with new toys
and never eachother.

you are not like them
seek out desperate cases
new experiences and old friends
stay away from those not like you
give yourself a new home a new heart and a new idea
but you are empty and open.
end the song before you
are
repetative.

i mostly run on sexual rela

2008-08-05T21:45:31Z

tions and curly fries.

i got engaged

2008-07-23T02:24:12Z

!!!!
im going to work at dennys i think
and i wake up happy most mornings im not hungover.
date is oct. 10th

like omg

2008-06-29T08:45:02Z

!
i move around a lot.
i drink coffee too late at night
when windows are open people smell less bad.
my truck is out of gas and so am i because im out of alcohol.

happy happy :)

I have no clue what I'm going to do for work.

2008-03-31T03:10:32Z

I got pissed off the other night, I had work at seven in the morning. I got pissed & then got piss drunk & didn't go.

decided not to go the next day either. I have no clue what I'm going to do for an excuse, I'm not really up for losing my job & my one manager won't answer my texts.

spent all day watching movies. very lazy.

prison & hangovers

2008-03-27T00:05:16Z

I had to go to work today ridiculously hungover. I'm stupid & yesterday I tried to finish a bottle of tequila by myself, something I can usually do but I hadn't eaten all day & I haven't drank in a few weeks because my kidneys were infected & hurt.

I got shitfaced by like 3 & i was passed out by four. I slept til eleven thirty & then walked around still drunk for at least an hour before going back to bed.

then at work today it was ridiculously hot, global warming is real & for us in the south it really sucks. at like 4:30, I'm supposed to get out at five, I had to go pick up one of the workers from the next shift at the jail & it was funny and then I went to his house & played with his puppies for like twenty minutes still on the clock.
best way to make money.

the age of blonde has ended.

2008-02-09T04:42:27Z

you have to give me props for being able to go from bleach blonde & long to short & brunette.